this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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