People in love make me want to vomit
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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