I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
