I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
