I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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