Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
