On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
