I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
