guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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