Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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