the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
