Sponge bath it is.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
NoShamevember. You game?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
