He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
