My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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