my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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