I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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