life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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