So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
