We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
