I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
