We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
