Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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