official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
