saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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