I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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