I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
