Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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