Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Randomize
