hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
