JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
