So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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