I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
