Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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