i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
