oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
