My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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