We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just had sex on a roof
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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