remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
