saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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