Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
