Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
