You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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