I don't usually arrange sex via text message
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
