i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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