I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's blow job season.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
