Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
