Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
