I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
