OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
