Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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